Hey guys, so I’ve had a tough week with my emotions and anxiety this week. Been very difficult to switch off from anything and as usual it all starts unexpectedly, I’ve felt so low, depressed, panicky and worried a lot this week. I said to my partner I just want a break from all this crap, can life just give me a breather, because all this has been going on constantly for the last well, nearly a year now and I’m fed up. I’m fed up of feeling low, I hate looking at myself and not seeing me anymore I feel like I’m broken…..

So the past week I had some things planned besides going to work, I was going to get my hair done and my nails however I couldn’t due to having a bad case of psoriasis which I was unaware of, so that started me off feeling rubbish about myself. I’ve had a bad flare up of dermatitis on my face and acne which is great! Then I’ve been struggling to breathe so now I’m on inhalers to try and help! It’s just been one thing after another and I am physically and mentally drained from being upset this week.

Today wasn’t pleasant and I don’t quite know what’s going on with myself, I woke up fine just a little achy, had breakfast, got ready for work. Then on my drive to work I started to have a random panic attack….feeling dizzy….burning sensation crawling all over my skin and feeling like someone was trying to choke me. I called my partner on the walk from the car to work (which isn’t far) to try take my mind off it and I put a brave face on entering work like I was fine.

I had a bit of chit chat and I was quite early. I sat in the back had a chat with one of the girls, the one of my other colleagues came in and asked if I’m okay……that was it, that’s what brought the tears and I just sat and had a good cry. There was nothing even to cry about but I sat there a cried and had a cup of tea and then it passed. My brave face is not on much anymore, I’m not so good at hiding how I’m feeling and I think I’m just overflowing. I’m finally being referred to counselling rather than having cbt also. Cbt for me was useless, it didn’t help me at all however for some it works wonders and there is some really useful tools in cbt.

So I’ve been full of sinusitis AGAIN! Plus a general cold I think which has affected my breathing hence why I’ve been put on inhalers to help me while I’m full of it all. I’ve been sleeping so so much, I’m just constantly exhausted and could sleep for hours! So I’m either playing catch up from being so worked up all the time, or it’s just because I’m ill and feeling sorry for myself.

Ive found I’m back to looking for answers to what’s wrong with me again, when there isn’t anything necessarily wrong with me. You can probably tell from the above that I’m always trying to self diagnose myself to give myself an explanation to feel better. It doesn’t make me feel better though, it makes me paranoid and a bit of a hypochondriac really, as I obsess over my health and that something serious is wrong with me. I do try my best to avoid google which is easier said than done when you feel like you need reassurance and answers all the time.

So I have occasionally found that I’m being woken in the night by a panic attack…..this is horrible and so hard to find a way to relax and calm myself. You’d already think you are com and relaxed especially when your asleep, so this is a new one really for me. The only thing I have tried is listening to my calm app and the emergency calm section where there is a choice of how many minutes you can pick from. I don’t know if it’s the app or how boring her voice is but it does the trick haha.

This week I want to try and go back to where I was in my happy place. To remember not to fight it and to actually ride it out instead. Riding it out makes it easier, putting up a fight makes it much worse and last a lot longer for me personally. Use what I have – my app, family, friends, colleagues they are all there for me and are super supportive. Talk to someone of your are suffering , it really does help ♥️

Some days I just need a little cry and a hug and it makes me feel better.

Spring is coming, it’s getting warmer, the sun is out more, the days are getting lighter and I love it. I love this time of year, no more dull miserable days

I spent a good few hours the other week outside in the back garden starting to clear it up whilst the kids played and I felt so much better for getting some sun. It’s crazy what a difference it makes to get some sunshine you really do need that serotonin to boost you mood, I’m curious to how much my mood improves with better weather now coming our way now. I know it’s only temporary for now but it’ll come very soon now.

So the medication I was put on last week appears to be working! Which is fab, I do have to keep at the higher dose though as I’ve noticed if I’ve had dinner a bit later the vertigo comes back. So I’ll keep at that and plus I see the specialist next week.

I’ve had a couple of days where I’ve felt really down, I haven’t felt down I quite a long time to be honest. I think the feelings I’ve been having are just pure panic, being anxious all the time, worry, silly thoughts but this was different I just felt really sad but for no reason and I could have just stayed under the covers all day and hide from the world then days.

I’m still trying to suss out what is best for me at times, I feel like I don’t know who I am at the moment like I am totally lost. The only thing I know is that my h2b, children, family and friends are all I need to get me through all of this, they are the most supportive people I could have ever wished for. Checking up on me all the time, even if it’s a quick text or call to see how I am and I appreciate so much. ♥️

Rewind 6months ago, I was an extremely organised, everything to the T, early all the time type of person. Now I can’t be bothered I’ve obviously let my self wind down about as I now just thing well tuff! It is what it is. I’ll do what is best for me and my family, I’ll put me first, if I’m a bit late so what? If I haven’t made a list today, ah well. I can’t be perfect and I’ve finally realised that. I need to take my time and stop racing about at 500 miles per hour it’s not healthy! That’s the problem with today, everybody is racing about and don’t haven’t enough time because they are cramming their days full of tasks and they eventually come crashing. Down like I have.

We all just need to take some time for ourselves and plan time to think about what’s best for you!

One thing I’ve really notice this past week is I’ve felt a million times better than I have been, everything appears so much better and I’m happy when I wake up. I need to build my self up in other areas and get my self esteem back and confidence but otherwise I’m feeling pretty good!

I’ve got ENT this week so hopefully I’ll have a plan from them on getting my sinuses sorted out and then I’m on the right path. Getting myself back on track with life and setting some small goals for myself to achieve to keep me going in the meantime.

I’ll leave it there for now and I’ll keep updating when I can, it’s been a while since my last post but like I’ve said I’ve felt so much better in the past week or so, it’s crazy the difference in me. There are so triggers for me but I’m avoiding them at the moment I want to make the most of how I’m feeling 😊

I’m pretty confident I’ve forgotten how to breathe properly, especially if I end up on focussing on it I make my self dizzy and all sorts! I’ve been trying breathing techniques to help settle me but they just don’t work for me, I can hardly breathe at the moment as it is, my breathing always feels shallow as if I can’t get enough air, so breathing exercises made me feel even worse and more odd than usual!

No improvement so far, I’m practically as I were maybe worse in a way. Vertigo is back and it’s back with a vengeance, I’m pretty confident it’s not supposed to be with me constantly it’s only supposed to last a few seconds-minutes where as mine I may wake up fine, then after around dinner it starts and it’s there all the way till I wake up the next day. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, I feel like I’m on a little inflatable boat in the middle of the ocean during a bad storm. I can be washing the pots and it happens, I can just be sat on the sofa and it happens.

It really freaked me out the other night when I was alone and I’d set myself off into a panic attack, I couldn’t breathe, I was going faint and dizzy, I was crying hysterically so I called my dad and he came and sat with me for a while till I settled down. I wolfed some food down me and went straight bed because I was scared it was going to happen again.

Vertigo if you have ever experienced it is horrendous, mine stays practically all day with me so there is no break and it’s not the best scenario as it heightens my anxiety. When I go bed and wake up in a morning it wouldn’t normally be there where as it is now. I’ve been put on some new medication to hopefully ease it and also been taken off one as I was struggling to breath and great news! Breathing is easier 😊