So I wish I was saying happy new year, for me it’s not happy. I’ve come into the new year with covid. For those who have unfortunately had it and have quite severe anxiety know it is not a good combo, it’s not a good combo for anyone without mental health problems as it is. I felt like I was getting on track AGAIN……then this arrived 🙄

The first night I was scared to go asleep, I cried myself to sleep I was that scared of all the what ifs.

Second night I again cried myself to sleep, my boys asked for a cuddle before bed and I couldn’t. So they went to bed very understanding and I lay in bed crying that I couldn’t give my husband or children a cuddle….I know it’s temporary but you know what it’s like when your poorly, you just want a big cuddle! anxiety has been all over the show, I usually suffer more at night for some reason with a sensation that I can’t breathe/choking/not enough oxygen getting to my brain 🧠 (I know that sounds odd)

So I’ve had muscle aches, sweating a lot, freezing, coughing, stuffy nose/runny nose, heavy chest, sore throat, sore tongue which was a odd one. I’m on day 5 now and I just want it to sod off. The last thing I needed right now was to be isolating when I’m trying to sort my mental health out. I need to try and be doing normal every day stuff, just being able to go for a walk would help, I need air and to be out of the house. I love our home but I’m here 24/7 as I work from home too, I need air and a change of scenery.

So much I wanted to start on the whole new year thing like we do. I’ll just have to delay my plans which I hate doing……all I need to do right now is focus on getting better. I’ve got so much to look forward to this year and I need to focus on those, also got some stress to overcome on route and some scary things happening but I’ve got this 💯

Things to look forward to

• WLS appointment
• Ibiza 🇪🇸
• Haven 🇬🇧
• Turkey 🇹🇷
• Progression
• 🤞🏻 to a somewhat normal year

If I put my mind to it this year will be amazing, I’ve got an amazing support network that will be here too. I need to remember to ask for help when I need it, I take on too much at once and then have a burnout every time.

It just goes to show THIS (the blog) works for me, whilst I started typing this out I was having a massive panic attack, now everything is out I’m calm and more grounded.

Thank you everyone for reading my blog and being so supportive, it means the world to me.

💚💛🧡💙💜❤️

Today has been a very bad mental health day…..I’ve been suffering so much and this has been up there with some of my worst experiences ever.

The feeling of am I going to pass out? Caused by me breathing in a odd pattern rather than breathing normally.

Swaying my legs, holding my head, lying down, sitting in front of a fan even though I’m freezing, needing physical contact/to be held by my husband, Childs poses on the solid floor, crying, shouting at myself, dabbing cold water on my face and wrists, cuddling one of the dogs. These are a few of the things I’ve been doing today.

It has been so hard, it’s not a 10/15 minute thing it’s literally been since around 3/4pm and still going on while I’m typing this at 22:53pm.

It is vile.

I hate how it makes me feel physically, it’s so draining mentally and physically…….what frustrates me more is I’ve been battling this for so long, I get a grip of it then it comes back, I get a grip of it again then it comes back…..I know what it is so why can’t I control it? Talking or in this case writing about it helps me and gives me a different focus while my panic attack try’s to work out how to grab my attention back to it.

I’d even had kalms today and it’s done nothing absolutely nothing, what a waste of time. The cause of this? Drinking. I went and had drinks last night had a fantastic time and the aftermath is this. Why can’t we just have a good time with no consequence? I’m tired of it, I want to enjoy life with my husband and children. (Yes, HUSBAND! We got married)

So please Mr Panic Attack FUCK OFF!

P.S apologies especially to my parents for the swearing or anyone else who may be offended by it…..but I’ve had enough of it controlling my life.

Hi everyone! So the last post I did was in September, time really has flown by since then. I’ve had so much going on I’ve kind of neglected my blog, myself, my feelings and thoughts too.

So September time, I was starting my new module for university in Health Sciences – this the wedding/work/kids activities after school/gym/home/the dogs were far too much and I was struggling to keep on top of them mentally and physically. So I decided in the end to defer my module for a year, this was a huge decision for me to make (I know it might sound like nothing to some people) but I spent days crying over making that choice….I felt like a failure because I couldn’t manage everything. When I did eventually go through with it I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, I felt relieved, all those days getting upset and being disappointed with myself for nothing! So now I just basically have to keep an eye out for the new start date so I can re enrol.

I had a wobbler with my mental health in this period AGAIN. Thinking I was big and clever once again like I do quite often, stopped taking my meds because I felt “better” it then I ended up off work for a week with unbearable head pressure/migraines which span my anxiety out of control. Now under neurologist to be checked over, as I’ve reported head pressure/ear fullness ever since I originally started with “anxiety” which was in 2017/2018….so they suspect either intracranial hypertension or Chronic migraines – I’m hoping for the migraines out of the two though 🙄. MRI Scan in Friday and I can honestly say I’m absolutely terrified!!!!!! I’ve no idea how I’m going to do it, I’ll be the Marx arse crying in the waiting room…..I’m a larger lady and I don’t do confined spaces!

SO anyway smart arse here went back on the meds after arguing it out with the doctors I managed to get prescribed back on it. I’ve been taking it in dribs and drabs and been lying to myself thinking I can cope with out it but I really can’t yet.

Trust the process clearly is key with me…..