Hi everyone! It’s been a while hasn’t it….I was doing amazing, thought I’d cracked it (anxiety that is) and nope. Another hurdle incoming!!!!! I feel like I’ve got it then I plod along for a little bit then BAM it’s back. Usually masking itself as a phantom illness with me it seems.

I mainly have panic disorder and health anxiety I’m pretty confident of that, a new pain, something feels or looks different I immediately think I’m ill or something isn’t right and I need to be examined. I thought I’d tackled this one and become a little more blasé with it, nope I can’t trick myself…..not happening apparently. Ive tried relaxing my muscles, which works for about 10 seconds then my body is like erm “scuse me, shouldn’t you be panicking about nothing right now?” Then I’m tense again, why? Why can’t I just relax? I have no OFF button at all, I can’t sit still, I can’t watch tv without doing something else, I’m going at 150mph and can’t stop myself.

I’ve been doing so much good recently and I feel like anxiety has over ridden me again and it preventing me what I want to do, going to the gym and doing my classes has been a favourite thing of mine and keeps me going, it makes me feel better, it’s making a physical and mental impact too till clever sod here thought she was cured and no longer needed her medication……silly me, why would I be so lucky. So I back to medication again as of tomorrow, I can’t manage my anxiety so I need that bit of help to get me back on track again and I need to not rush myself this time.

This is what I want to focus on, I am not in control of any of these areas right now and they should be basic things that I have control over. Medication, meditation, exercise, plenty of water and the right foods to get me back on track. Also learn to say NO.

Thank you for reading my blog I really appreciate it, the support I get from this is amazing and all I wanted it to be is an outlet for me, to share my battle with anxiety, my struggles with it and to not feel #yournotalone

I’m always happy to revives comments, messages if you want a chat and share….inbox is always open xoxo

Big fat downer….that’s how I feel every single day. This is massively a different topic to what I usually discuss but I feel it has such a big impact on mental health especially with me anyway! This probably isn’t a post my family or friends want to read but it’s how I feel, it’s brutal and it’s honest. You may see me different but this is it for ME.

I feel ugly, fat and miserable I had a cry about it this morning and I’m okay but I just feel so low. I’m in my 30’s I should be having a fab time, I should not however look like a spotty teenager. My appearance at the moment is having such a impact on me mentally, I feel sad, I feel disgusting, I feel hideous, I feel massive and so on I could literally go on forever.

I got dressed today and thought you know what I look fairly decent, looks at myself in the mirror and cried….I’ve never EVER done that before. I’m going through a lot with myself at the moment and really fighting body image demons I’ve got. Taking drastic and extreme measures to make myself feel good. Like currently going through the bariatric pathway….I’ve never thought about that but I hate my body THAT MUCH I’d do anything to be the pretty slim girl. To not be that fat one.

I’m lost, I feel like I don’t know who I am or who I want to be, have you ever felt like that? Why do I hate myself so much? I don’t ever remember like 10 years ago looking at myself and being so critical of how I look, who I am, what a whinging failure I feel like.

My honest feeling is that I’m bullying myself, I have no positive thoughts about myself like ever.

This week with the weather being nice I have never ever felt so paranoid about what I’m wearing, I’m uncomfortable and too hot. Does this look jiggly in this, does this bit of fat stick out more in this, I must hide my arms, my hips, my tummy, I may as well just not bother leaving the house. I feel like people are looking at me, judging me, laughing at me, I’m sad.

I’m embarrassed of me. Full stop.

Apologies for everyone struggling but me using my blog to get things off my chest help me and my well-being.

I’m not in a good place, so hide being upset now and I do it well.

Love you all xoxo

2 Years on

So It’s been just over two years since I started my blog! It’s literally flown by. I’ve had a lot of ups and downs, I did amazing at one point and went around 7/8 months of feeling back to myself and anxiety and panic free.

Sadly it did return when Covid started to make a impact on our lives, being stuck in all the time especially. I’d ended up in A&E at one point my anxiety was that bad – I thought I couldn’t breathe, I rang a ambulance panicking as it felt like I was being choked and my heart was going crazy! I was given some diazepam to keep me calm until my actually antidepressants kicked in.

Every day felt like it was lasting forever, it felt like I was having those awful symptoms for a lifetime, once they did kick in I became calmer and everything seemed to slowly become more manageable until the past week or so.

Come around 5pm every evening it starts for some unknown reason, my muscles are extremely tense, clenched jaw, aching muscles, shaking legs, headaches/migraines and just generally feeling quite unwell in myself. I’m on top of my medication and haven’t missed any of them, so don’t even have that much stress of right now or maybe it’s my body just telling me I need to chill the heck out as I’m doing things at 100mph….

Last night I had a bath in the dark with candles and meditation to see if it helped at all, it did during and for about and hour after then boom straight back again, it’s annoying me now though and I’m so fed up.

It’ll keep my from going to sleep or will wake me up to a panic attack, which you can always do without.

On a plus note I have been achieving little accomplishments now, I’ve been managing to go different supermarkets without feeling like I’m going to pass out from pure panic and I even went by myself one day which is a massive deal to me! I know these type of things sound like the most insignificant things to other people but when it’s become such a obstacle to pass it’s massive to me. I’ve had a few baby steps again with things this time round and I’m still battling this long road.

I intend to look after myself and my closest and that’s all I need to stay strong. I know I can do this but it’s not going to happen overnight and I need to keep reminding myself that when I feel useless and so do you.